I’m free this holiday, so if anyone is looking for the cousin you love to avoid and never invite to the family functions, then I’m your man. You can rent me out for only $1000 an hour, cheap if you consider the fact that I go home and will never be heard from again. Try that with a real relative. Just call me Uncle Joe twice removed on your Mother-in-law side, the crazy side. Just feed me a few family facts; so I’ll know what I’m talking about when I say “Hi” to Aunt Millie, Uncle Chuck, or Grandpa Ebenezer.
I love dogs, but will bite them back. I love Cats, over corn in a nice raspberry sauce. I will play with the kids, like little Johnny, the one who pee’s in his pants every time he gets dressed up. Little baby Kim, the one who never brushes her teeth, and the rest of the brat pack.
I’ll watch football with your sister’s boyfriend while her ‘has-been’ is having dinner with his girlfriend. I’ll even come over late, leave early, and I won’t miss the toilet (I hope).
So; if you have an extra seat and plate, give me a call. 313-555-herb (4372).
P.S. Pic of Santa after a B&E. Look at the fat boy GO!!!
